I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
