those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
