I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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