I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
