Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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