I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
