i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
