and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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