Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
