I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
