She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
