If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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