Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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