all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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