if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
