saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
