All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
