woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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