i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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