I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
