if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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