i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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