We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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