I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
