How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
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