I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
