Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wear drunk well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How naked do you want me to be?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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