on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
