his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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