i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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