our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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