I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
