Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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