He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
