She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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