Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
