If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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