I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
