i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
