Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
