As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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