There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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