I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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