A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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