My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
