pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
