i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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