There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
