you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
