I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
