Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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