beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
