i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
