Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
