i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
