I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
