Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
