Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
