Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
